Friends!
The Saga of Steve continues!
Two days ago, his 88 year old Mom (Loli) stood up in the hospital cafeteria, turned the wrong way, fell, and BROKE HER LEG! Go ahead, take a moment to digest the news. I know I had to.
OK?
So, the rehab center gets Loli into a wheelchair, and she rolls on down to Steve's room to tell him the news--she insisted--then she was ambulanced across the street to the hospital, where she was admitted with a hairline fracture in her right femur, just below where she broke it once before...have I mentioned she's had both hips and knees replaced? (Insert expletives here; I did!) She's a real spitfire, the minute we arrived to see her this morning she was tossing off the sheets and pulling up her gown to show me her leg! It looked good, too, no terrible bruising and only a little swollen, much better than I expected. She's refused pain meds except at night to sleep, she says she needs to feel it so she doesn't OVERDO it. My God. What a woman.
So, Scott and I spent today conveying stuff to both invalids, and driving Loli's car back to Steve's condo. Loli is already up, shuffling around with a walker, determined to get back on her feet as soon as possible. Her primary care physician, by some happy twist of fate is also Steve's--and he moved heaven and earth to get her moved over to the rehab facility where Steve is--tomorrow! So they can keep each other company and recover together.
Steve can talk now, and today I asked him why he waited so long to go to the doctor. Long story short, he's been severely and profoundly depressed for some time, and it was only survival instinct that finally drove him out of the house to the hospital. I haven't discussed this in the Kat's blog but he and I had a falling out some time back over his refusal to recognize that he needed help after a similar hospital episode (not as severe, obviously) a few years back. I had to set a limit on our friendship because it gave me so much pain and anxiety over his apathy. So we've been work friends only for some time, and of course that's one place where he was fairly "together" so I never saw how badly he had deteriorated mentally. I mean, he hasn't had heat or air conditioning at his condo for THREE years. Because he didn't deserve any comfort.
Fuck.
Even though I told him at the time upfront, honestly, in no uncertain terms why I was pulling back, I am wracked with guilt that I had some part in his spiral down into the abyss. Because I've been there myself I'm exquisitely in tune with the agony that exists in the pit; and I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the situation.
But I must, and I will. We cried together a little bit today and resolved that the past is done. Steve's decided he's not quite ready to die yet, and is determined to try for whatever happiness he can get out of the rest of his life; to quit chasing pipe dreams and could-have-beens. He says he's ready for therapy to rid himself of his demons, or at least learn to live with them peacefully. I told him he'd better not be lying to me again, or else. Translation: I'd kick his ass.
I am wrung out, let me tell you.
Off to bed.
xx
Trish
9 comments:
Trish, wow. Yes, I'm trying to digest this all. Steve's mom sounds great and I wish somehow her proximity to him would make a difference in his outlook. That's naive, I know.
I'm so glad that Steve and Loli have you and Scott as friends. Also, I'm glad that you and Steve talked it out and I really hope that you can let it be in the past too. I can definitely see how hard this would be for you as his friend and also knowing how bad depression can get. It was heartbreaking to hear about the heat and a/c. Anyway, again, you and Scott are such good friends to him and I'm sure a huge part of why he's deciding to get better and to get help. What a blessing you both are.
nononono! No guilt!! It is like a person drowning that pulls their rescuer under. Approach from the BACK- ie: set up help from professionals, Not you.
Because we know depression personally we are drawn to help our friends with it, but watch yourself because next thing you know, like I just experienced, you are having a breakdown of your own & dont even realize it... ((HUGS YOU)))
Oh my word....Steve has taken the first step...recognizing he has a problem and needs help. I pray he is receptive to any help.
You should not beat yourself up over this. You cannot make an adult do anything. You are there now and that is what he needs.
Hugs Madi and Mom
Dear Grrl, I feel close to tears reading this. It's the last bit that got to me. I hear this as a lot like healing, if not the very real thing -- and I need to believe in healing so badly, I really could cry now. Bless you so so much for staying true to your feelings. Bless you for hanging in there, with them, no matter what. I truly believe this is the only way: Authenticity, no matter how the truth shows up, no matter how uncomfortable -- authenticity, together with commitment to staying the course of the heart. Hugs to you, Steve, and Loli. WHAT a story.
OH Trish
I am so glad that Steve now admits he needs help and is asking for it. I am so sorry to hear about his Mom. But truthfully I hope (pray)nothing happens to her now that she has this to recover from. It would be devastation him. But here's to a positive outcome for everyone.
xoxox
Wow, that's a lot to deal with! Loli is quite the lady! I'm glad she'll be moved to rehab with Steve so they can help each other in their recovery. I'm also glad that you and Steve were able to talk and he's committed to his recovery too. You are a wonderful friend to him and shouldn't feel any guilt with what happened. Between you and his mom, he knew he could ask for help but just didn't know how or want to or whatever the case might have been. That's all changed now thanks to you and Scott being in his corner to help him get well. Hugs to you and best wishes to Loli and Steve!
To call Loli a "spitfire" is an understatement. :-)
What a woman indeed.
As for guilt, well, you know you have to drop it, Trish. None of us can be made to do things before we're ready, and those of us who deal with depression can be even less compliant, especially when we ARE clinically depressed. So frankly, there would have been nothing you could have done for him. Your head knows this, so I hope that your heart catches up and understands this too.
And I hope, too, that Steve isn't lying to you--but if he is, it's truly not your responsibility. All you can do is what you are and have been doing, going above and beyond for him and for his mom, out of friendship and love. What Steve chooses to do with his own life is entirely up to him.
Peace and Blessings.
I think with a mum like Loli, Steve's gonna be ok!!
Glad they are now both in reach of each other! Although I'd have preferred a less dramatic event! Oh dear!
What a turn of events!! I'm glad Steve's mum will be ok and that Steve is getting better - he must get physically well first to tend to his emotional side - that is so long long long term - therapy, will power, more therapy!
I wish him all the best! Not only has he got his mum's spirit, he has a very good friend in you who truly cares for him. You know the friendship is forever when you fall out and make up again and feel even closer! That's brilliant!
I think your priorities are to yourself first and foremost. You must be happy and at peace within, always, to be able to help others. I think so anyway! Take care
x
Holy Hello Kitty! At least they will be able to recoup together.
You can't feel guilty. You also need to pull yourself out of the abyss and sometimes that means getting yourself out of the pit before you can get out someone else.
If you want to hit the town or the coffee house, or a friend to drop by, I am here for you!
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