a little something extra

a little something extra

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Black Dog


I haven't written in a while, and there is a reason for that.

Winston Churchill called his depression "The Black Dog".  It's been such a long time since I've seen my particular canine that I didn't realize it was here.  But it is.  I am depressed.

What this means for me is that life has no joy, no savor, no creativity.
I feel bleak.
Living is an effort and takes all my attention and effort.
I'm incredibly tired, yet I can't sleep, or my sleep is haunted by incredibly vivid and horrifying nightmares.
I'm confused and I can't find words, nouns, names.  It's frustrating trying to express myself.  I can't even compose a decent compound sentence, for cripe's sake.

At least I know what this is and what I need to do, and I'm doing it.  I've done it before.  But it takes time to get better, and I'm an impatient perfectionist.  I hate waiting, yet I must.

Winston Churchill said "If you are going through Hell, keep going."

I intend to keep moving.
Thanks for listening.




Deb said...

Aw Trish, I hope you will be feeling better soon. Keep those kitties close and find comfort in their contented purrs. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Deb=^..^=x4

Punapippuri said...

Oh Trish - that black dog is a real b*st*rd isn't it ,and it follows us around like a shadow. It could never be a black cat could it ? I wish there was something that could help, but as you said, you just got to keep walking and have some faith that it will get better. It has done before, and it will do again, I hope that there's something that will gradually make tis particular path easier and that gradually the old dog will stop following you like a shadow. Sending you loads of love, and loads of hope that you do find some joy in little stuff like beautiful cat ears and belly fluff, Karin x
PS Even though you don't think it, you can still string a decent sentence together.

Anonymous said...

Curse that damn rabid black dog! I am a firm believer in the meds, they've done wonders for me in keeping my black dog at bay. The meds and the love of my cats are a savior. You're in my prayers, Trish.

Fin said...

Ah Trish I'm sorry to hear that, and I send my purrs (yes I can purr - it counts) to help you through.

You're still pretty darn entertaining on a Cat blog with a Black Dog.

If getting together would help, I'm here too!

Pricilla said...

We send you goat hugs. From the does. The bucks would smell. We hope you feel better soon.

lupie said...

Oh Trish ...

I wish I can give you a hug!

Feel better soon ya.

Junior and Orion said...

I have had mild depression my entire life. I didn't get any treatment for it till my 20's. For awhile, a few years ago, I stopped taking my anti-depressants, and I did okay for awhile. Then I realized I was slipping back into the old crap. Being bitchy and impatient. Sleeping too much. Not taking care of all the things I needed to.

So, do what you need to do to get better. I don't know if you are on any anti-depressants, but maybe check them out. I know it helped me, maybe it will help you.

Hang in there!

Meowm Rhonda

Sparkle said...

My human thinks maybe attending the Popovich Comedy Pet Theater would make you feel better! The next time she makes it out your way, that is the ONE thing she plans for sure to do.

But then, what does she know? When she's depressed, she plays that Cows video a bunch of times. Even worse, it cheers her up.

Prancer Pie said...

Purrs from all of us. We hope you are feeling better soon. We enjoy visiting the Lounge everyday and think you are a great blogger!

Whisppy said...

Know that you have LOADS of family and friends, both humans and furries cheering you on as you walk out of hell. Can you hear us already? :)

Many hugs to you, Trish.

Caro'sCat said...

Look what Churchill achieved, Trish. Black Dog will go again.

Keep on keeping on xx

Tom, Tama-Chan, Sei-Chan, Bibi-Chan, Vidock said...

From someone who's been there too, lots of positive vibes. It's good you know what to do. An of course knowing what it is is step one to leaving the monster behind. Don't forget the drugs. Sometimes, it IS just chemistry and they can help a lot. Hang in there and turn that black dog into a cute little pup!


Boom Nisanart said...

Dear Trish,

Do you know how many woman in my age up have depression ? I can tell you are not alone ! Lots of my friends have it, even have to get medication because she got depressed in the level of crying by no reason ! Suddenly crying !

As you say " life has no joy, no savor, no creativity you feel bleak " , I guess some of us feel it some time. In my point of view, I guess we come to the age. we got through everything in life, and nothing new, we knew,we heard all of that..thousand time. it's all become boring ! over and over and never ending !

I think You just need to take the time off, Trish. You don't need to put yourself through it. Some thing in your life can skip ! Visit someone who is always be great friends for you. Go out and have a nice dinner ! Something different out of your routine.

For me, I have " Mood " supplement to keep me in good condition : ), when I got stress I always love to do the dishes, Especially scrub the pot and pan. or go to pull million weed in my backyard...anything to do without thinking , just do it ! but I never have a problem with sleep because I always very tired. Just hug puddy and hear he purrs. I sleep easy.

I'm not sure you do smoke or not,but if you do..Try not too much because that's cause of worst ! Eat lots of green, fruit and chocolate will help good mood. For me, I might add a little bit of whisky or brandy ; )

Not sure it help, but I try because I love you as a friend
And I'm sure you will be better !


Old Kitty said...

Trish you adorable woman!! You make out like Mr Churchill!! He chewed a fat cigar and beat the nazis with bells on!! Yay!!!!!

Embrace all that you are and take care! Hugs, hugs, hugs! x

Huffle Mawson said...

Trish, you said you know what to do and you're doing it. That's all you need. And to know that we are all here for you.

HuffleMum Tracey

Fuzzy Tales said...


Must be something in the air (lol), as I'm wondering if I need help of the pharmaceutical kind again or if I simply need to cut out some of the crap in my diet that affects my mood (sugar, alcohol).

Boy, but do I ever "get" where you are.

Sending you LOTS of Light and cyber-hugs. You know how to reach me if you ever need an "ear."


Dee . . . . . said...

Hi Trish, Sorry to read that you are feeling so low :( Its a place many of us have been Im sure. I find it helps to except the depression and deal with it as opposed to denying it and that seems just what you are doing - I hope you get back to a happier place soon.

Sending you huge cyber hugs from across the ocean


Marg said...

Sorry Trish, that you are having these troubles. It isn't any fun at all to be depressed. Glad you have the answer on how to make it better. We really enjoy your cats so you are doing good on that account. Go give all those cats a hug even if they don't want one. Wish we could come over there and make you laugh.

Milo and Alfie Marshall said...

Trish, I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing.

Did anything special trigger it ~ or do you just get depressed from time to time? Whatever the reason take care ~ and get well soonest. We're all here for you in any way we can help.

love Jan x

Nadbugs said...

Here reading, and pondering. I'm planning on writing about this very subject today over at my place. Until I get my own word out, then:

JET-GRADE EMPATHY to you, my friend. Speaking out like this is a real contribution. No more stiff-upper-lip denial. Hell is hell.

And hell puts the body-mind through the wringer, as so many who comment here have already said. Gently goes it, there.

Peaceful said...

((HUG)) I understand.
last night my brain kept thinking the same thought over & over-ugh! my 'black dog' sits on me and makes me feel like I weigh a ton and cant move. Today I am taking folic acid, it helps me.
Peace and strength to get you to the other side.

Hannah and Lucy said...

I'm sorry to hear this Trish you always seem so bubbly but suppose that is just a face you put on to the world - the nightmares sound terrible.
I understand how you say you are so tired and you can't sleep - I'm like that sometimes too and it is a vicious circle when the days seem endless but when you go to bed your brain won't let you sleep.
I hope you will soon feel better but know it is an effort to push yourself into a better "place"
Luv Sue (Hannah and Lucy's mum)

Angus Mhor said...

Isn't it amazing how many of us in the CB and DWB have that "Black Dog" in our lives? An anesthesiologist I once worked with would say, "Better living through chemistry!", and I'm a believer. Antidepressants have been my friends for years. I was prone to depression from an early age and only found relief about 10 years ago. I went through all those Mickey-years sans serotonin and I count it a miracle we all survived intact!
You do what you know to do and believe that we're all loving you and supporting you. And, to second a previous commenter, or two, you're still doing a pretty decent job of stringing words together!

With nothin' but love for ya,

Chrissie, Angus' Mum

OKcats said...

Trish, I'm so sorry to hear this, but I am happy to know that you recognize it and know what to do (and are doing it). I don't think I've ever suffered from full-on depression, but I certainly have had those times in my life where I feel unsettled, anxious or hopeless. I know how much that stinks, so I can just imagine what you must be going through. I hope that you start feeling better soon.


Shaggy, Scooby and Scout said...

I am chronically depressed. It's an ongoing mild depression that pervades all of life.I believe I've been this way since childhood. I take Wellbutrin twice daily. It keeps me on an even keel. The good things are good and the lows aren't too low. That's the dailyness of living with it.
But sometimes the most horrible despair descends on me taking me even deeper into the pit of blackness. Usually in November and lasts till sometime in January. Some years are worse than others but I am always more deeply depressed at that time of year. Last year was one of the most terrible episodes. I actually contemplated swallowing a handful of the barbituates I take for migraines because my life wasn't worth living and I knew no one would miss me. I still don't think I'd be missed for more than a couple weeks by anyone. Fortunately I have a good friend in a priest at church and I went to him.Just reaching out to him took monumental effort. He also connected me with a staff member who I could talk to. That episode felt like i had a thick black blanket thrown over me and I couldn't see any light penetrating, all was darkness. That is the worst episode since one 10 years ago when all I could do was curl up on the floor and cry for hours on end. That one was when I went to my doctor and got the official diagnosis (duh) and the initial prescription. I've tried a few different antidepressants and the one I'm on now works the best.
Reaching out to others as you have done here is an important step, and a cry for help. Find someone to talk to, see your doctor if you haven't yet. Your kitties are therapy. Kitty fur absorbs tears wonderfully. -Lynne

Daisy said...

Mean ol' black dog! Thanks for sharing with us. I wish I could give you a big hug. And a dish of ice cream.

Furkidsmom said...

That Black Dog is not a friendly pup. We hope things get better soon. (((Hugs))), purrs and prayers.

The Florida Furkids and Angel Sniffie and Mom Sharon

Cat Chat With Caren And Cody said...

((((((((((((Trish)))))))))))))))) your post made me so sad!!!

Thank you for sharing your feelings with everyone, that had to be hard but is so important to healing.

I feel like a total jerk! I never even knew you had another blog!!! Duh!!!! I am now following this one!

(((Trish)))) please don't ever feel that you are alone (hell with all of those cats you KNOW you're not alone!!!! lol!! I wanted to make you smile!)

We are all pulling for you, it isn't easy we know but we all have faith in you being TOUGH! You are one TOUGH COOKIE!!!


Brian said...

Purrs and hugs to you. Remember there are 13 loves at the end of the tunnel just waiting for you to smile inside and out.

Abby said...

I understand exactly what you're going through. My mom suffers from depression, too, and though she's on medication, certain events send her into a tailspin. She just lost her 11 year old terrier, Sassy, to congestive heart failure today, and we're all very worried for her. Keep moving, try to find that silver lining, and remember that there are so many people (and kitties!) in the world who love you.

Hoping you'll find the that happiness again soon

Stacy Hurt said...

Holy Cod Ms. T! So much great advice here. Nothing I can add except sympathy. I too suffer from the infernal canine and it totally sucks. I had to go back on meds. Hopefully soon you will start feeling better. The meds alone take like what? 4 weeks or so! Ugh.

Plus menopause. I'm now having many symptoms & I ready that depression is one of them as well! It's like you can't effin win! But FEAR NOT! Are you on hormone replacment? Maybe that can be adjusted as well. Too much estrogen I think causes that.

Most important is that you're not alone and you are so loved. But really it's just about the meds & as you say, waiting.

Sending hugs and understanding

Ginger Jasper said...

I just wanted to say I know just how you feel having been there and I know that reading your words you are going to get through it. Pick up those kitties and hug like crazy and know that you have a lot of people out here that are with you. If we can help at all just shout and we will try. thinking of you. love carol and GJ xx

Derby, Ducky said...


ABBY said...

We are no doctors (but we stayed at a Holiday Inn once...OK bad joke)...we were wondering if your recent operation might have anything to do with the old black dog visiting? We are glad you recognize it for what it is and know how to deal with it. WE love the quote from Winston Churchill, what inspiration. WE do wish you well and soon.

Athena said...

Dearest Trish, so sorry that you are going through this. I'm proud of you for reaching out. You say that you know what to do and are doing it -- that's great. I struggle with a similar issue and there have been times where it's only been Kit and Athena that have kept me going. I hope you can feel all the love that surrounds you. Hold on. It will get better.

Sarah, Athena's mama

Au and Target said...

Join the club. I just keep going and hope it goes away. Cats def help!

The Island Cats said...

You're right...waiting it out is the hardest part. But hang in there...it will get better. Big hugs to you.


Lux The Light Warrior said...

Oh Trish, we know what it's like to be an impatient perfectionist when the black dog visits. Hang in there, like the quote says, keep going, you'll get through it. Cuddle all of your kitties lots and lots. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and Lux is keeping you in his purrs. xoxo

Avalon's Garden and The Garden Cottage Cats said...

Awwww Trish,,,, So Sorry you are feeling so Bad,unfortunately travel thru the dark tunnel you must, to reach the other side, but as you go thru this, know you are not alone :) Praying you get thru this ASAP! and sending you Light & Hugs ~ Angel

Sorry ,,, I too, never knew you had another blog ????
am "Following" also ;)

Spitty-the-Kitty said...

Spitty says: Thank Cod you didn't call it "Black Cat"! Whew.

The Human says: I always look forward to reading about what the Lounge Kitties have been up to and have described to even non-kitteh people how you have created 13 unique personalities for your gang. I see you as sort of the J.K. Rowling of the Blogosphere.

It is with real sadness that I read that your real-life self has been suffering. I hope that seeing these many, many messages of love and support helps you to plod on through to the other side of this hard time. (For me, I know that just re-reading Puddy's Mom's message every day would cheer me; I envision her scrubbing her dishes and pulling her weeds with a nice snifter of brandy as Mr. Puddy trots along behind, purring & waiting for his hugs, after which she will fall promptly to sleep!)

Ann Dziemianowicz said...

Sending you hugs! I hope the love of your friends and family during this difficult time give you strength. xo

Cats~Goats~Quotes said...

Hope things are much improved by today, and the Black Dog has trotted off to nap for a few years.